Life vs. Circumstance
Written on 5/25/06, posted 6/1/06
If not for my son, I would vanish into the woods right now and lie down and wait to die. And I would, perhaps, do just that… die. Or another perhaps: All the snares that entangle me might just loosen, unwind, and fall like a dead and crumbling thorny vine from my shrinking flesh. I might then, rise and face the out-of-woods, return, and live some more.
Today, I stopped looking for the strength. Not the strength to fight ALS… I have that. No, I mean the strength to fight through every situation, every interaction, all the dealings of “ordinary” life. It seems circumstance is what I am living, instead of my life.
No matter how I try to simplify things, the debris and bramble continue to gather at my feet, snaring, tripping, tangling, and owning me. I want to kick this shit away! Get it all out of my life! Must there be a bloody catch for every want or need?
It seems, as long as desire lives within me, circumstance will wrap around me. Obsessed by the fragrance, the sticky sweet allure, it cares not for my dying breath as it rapes and rapes and rapes. It cannot hear me suffocating. It finds only annoyance in my struggle as it takes hold and claims me. It moves through it’s cold and heartless motions as if I am not at all a life… as if I never had a mother, a son, anyone who loved me… as if no one would notice or care… it spits and steps on me as if no one is looking.
Circumstance has become big and greedy, and is now all over me. It’s tentacles reach from the trenches of ugly society, finding all the hearts where desire lives. I have left my life somewhere on hold. It survives barely like a whisper, waiting, hoping I’ll return to it before the end.
I think of dying… having spent my time, my gift, fighting under the whip of circumstance… having left my life somewhere in waiting, believing in the unfulfilled promise of my commitment and return. I am so tired of fighting the monster that has grown so grotesque. It’s a fight I have been tricked into instead of living.
-kara