Breathing… and all that Jazz
It is day 13 of this respiratory infection. My doctor works convenient hours. Convenient for him. Lew has to take off work if I need to go to my doctor, unless I get sick in warm weather when getting Aiden dressed and into the car to accompany me is not as difficult. Thirty-two pounds of non-walking child is not easy on me. Last week I had a chest x-ray. The imaging center has convenient hours for everyone. No pneumonia. My doctor held firmly to his guard on overused anti-biotics. NONE for YOU! Ahhhh, little girl has a cold… poor baby… TOUGH IT OUT! Now my throat and ears are under attack. It is so painful to swallow or even move my neck. I’ve been sparingly using my Tylenol with Codeine #3 in the evenings when it’s really bad. It takes the edge off and helps me sleep. I used a lot of it in the beginning of this thing when my lungs felt like they were being stepped on and squeezed as I labored for every inhale and exhale… when each breath traveled, fighting and forcing through collapsing sticky channels between my throat and lungs… when continuous coughing was pulling every muscle. The last of the codeine was used last night. This morning I called the doctor’s office and asked for a new prescription. A few moments ago the doctor called me and told me I should not need codeine for a sore throat. Well, maybe I wouldn’t need anything now if we didn’t let this thing run rampant through my system. As it is, I’m tired of toughing everything out. Fuck! I hardly ever use drugs! I’m not a fucking drug-seeking abuser! I’ve got a mother fucker of a hideous disease that’s fucking me all over the fucking place inside and out! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Doesn’t this doctor know what a mother fucker a respiratory infection can be for someone with Bulbar ALS???! Haven’t I toughed out fucking enough?!! Finally, I just said I’m out of luck and was going to end the call when he said I’ll call in your prescription. I hope he doesn’t lose too much sleep over breaking his hard rules and giving pain meds to someone with very compromised health who’s been toughing it out in pain and exhaustion for 13 days.
-kara