Kara Lynn .NET Blog

It starts now.
It is my way.
Here.
Right here
And you can’t deny it.
Anymore.

Saved.
The perfect source.
At the surface now.
Cleansed.
And free.
Swimming in.
This bliss of life.

Phoenix laughs
as she soars again.
“I see a beautiful girl”
she says.
And she holds me up.
She never left.
She never died.
She is source.
She is power.
Beyond anything.
The mortals know.

Phoenix laughs
as I soar again.
“You see a beautiful girl?”
she says.
And she lets me go.
I fly, and fly, and fly!
I close my eyes.
And dream of bliss.
I see her face.
A beautiful girl.
And reach to touch her.

-kara

You’re speaking,
and your words are jumping off the page to reach me.
They hit me.
And nothing.
They’re gone.
Not even vapor.
No trail.

I know they had substance
when you held them
in your mind,
but you released them,
and like a dream on waking,
they flutter
and cannot be caught again.

I’m failing.
I’m dragging myself along,
but I’m failing.
Now the earth slides away
beneath my fallen body.
The earth, a dream
slipping out of reach.

For all the problems I must solve now,
you flooded me with solutions,
recipes in words.
I read and understood,
still, my body would not move.
I am weight,
and your words, though beautiful and logical,
are weightless.
They are a dream on waking,
and I am the one awake
in a sleeping body
trying to move
in a dream.

-kara

I appreciate the gesture. The ALS clinic asked a local homecare agency to help me. A nurse came and took inventory of all my drugs and nutritional supplements. She took my vitals, and cut short all my small talk. She was efficient. She needed my insurance cards. I asked her if she’d like a copy. She said, “I would love coffee!”

“PT and OT. I don’t think you need a nurse.” These therapists (identities unknown as of yet) would be calling me soon to arrange evaluations. I’ve been through this before. Last year the clinic had a homecare agency send providers to my home. The OT was very professional and truly loved her work and respected the dignity of her patients. I looked forward to her visits. She had a Zen-like quality, very calming, very okay with the moment. We did stretching and range of motion exercises like we were doing yoga. Insurance only approved six visits. Then came the PT. About face! This man did not know anything about ALS. He couldn’t figure out why I needed a PT if I had not been in an accident or had surgery recently. Finally he instructed me to fill a backpack with books, and go up and down the big staircase that leads to the attic while wearing the pack. “Do this ten to twenty times, three times daily.” I told him I wouldn’t need a second visit.

Sunday night the PT who was assigned to my case called me. She had my name backwards. I didn’t bother correcting her. It was 7pm and there was a lot of background noise on her end. She didn’t really introduce herself. She just stated that she would be coming to my home tomorrow, “I don’t know when. Sometime in the afternoon.” I got her to be a little more precise. “Sometime between twelve and one.” Fine.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning and called the agency. “Please cancel the PT.” I told them I didn’t need it. They said the OT would still call me, but they didn’t know when that might happen. Fine.

PT and OT are distant luxuries. I need help caring for my son. That is what I need right now. Nothing else matters while that goes unresolved. I appreciate the consideration from the clinic, but I just can’t add therapy appointments to a plate I can barely hold up now, while the most critical need here is not tended to. I know they meant to help. It’s just not the help I need now.

-kara

2004
the year the quakes began,
my son was born.
“Not too late”, I thought
for life to begin.
Goodbye to all the rough starts
that never wrote an end.
Finally on a good track,
a real and solid track.
Promises delivered, now resting in my hands,
steady as she goes now…
This is everything.

2005
the year the earth split wide
and left me on this island,
my son and I,
the only survivors of my future.
Reaching for stability on a floor of earth
that heaved and crashed,
we gripped my life
by the root.
We claimed it
and the tiny place it occupied.
We hugged it
and did nothing else
until the great displacement stopped.
Our world was blown apart,
but we rose to find ourselves intact.
We’ve been chased back to the root of life
where we’re building back our world.
We’re differently awake now.
We’ve seen the axe swing by
in a random act of ungodliness,
and know it’s out there.
That threat is roaring in the darkness,
but nothing’s fiercer than the guard we keep.

Pre-2004
is empty now,
seven times deleted.
The focus corrected,
I have viewed for once in clarity,
and what lies back there
is not worth saving.
Now the earth has stilled,
The ground is solid
and supporting us.
Promises delivered, surviving in our hands,
steady as we go now…
We are everything.

-kara