Kara Lynn .NET Blog

Too many ribbons
ornaments
decorative distractions

The givers are dazzled by the colors
and bring trinkets
offerings
adding weight
to distance
between aim and point

The long arm
collaged in flags and fanfare
commands the focus
and drowns the point
in blinding celebration

They dance the hour
round and round
hypnotic
tethered happy maypolers
all tangled in the moment

They fall forgetful
gratified
day is done
the point has vanished
but the spear will carry on
with rich tradition
with flames and flowers
defanged and inert now
a showy costume
some will love to wear

-kara

It is sugar
bled from melted lies
sickly sweet and dirty in the truth
It is pouring
so I’m running fast away
It touched me once
and coated me
Sealed me in a gluey grip
Stuck to me
and peeled my dreams
embalmed their bellies
and woke me sick

Weeks and weeks of washing clean
of shedding old
and growing virgin skin
All at risk now
One hapless moment
and I’ve stepped too close
Drizzled words
candy syrup
dyed and artificial
tentacle the quiet space
I now occupy
Wash away
with silence
Silence
Wash away

-kara

We are honey gatherers… and should be nothing more, nothing less. We are black and white, cut and dried. In, out. On, off. Yes, no. Good, bad. Alive, dead.

Our queens don’t understand. We exist beneath their interest thresholds. They do not want to know about our travels, our lives. We are single purposed and to deviate would mean disorder.

Our drones smirk with self-decided superiority in the company of our queens. We resent this in our daily toils. We are made to think the drones are better and privileged. We do not know the truths of their lives. We do not see them fall from love, their single purpose ripped and left within the queen. We do not see them fooled and ruined.

I just know that no matter how much I plead with Lew to stay off the roads tomorrow, he will feel obligated to go to work, no matter how bad the conditions are. I used to be that way back in the days when I worked in printing. Printers offer little in the way of sick, personal, or vacation time, and they expect full attendance from employees no matter what the weather… unless, of course, you are a sales person.

Aiden and I will be at the window all day tomorrow. Finally, our first big snow of the season is on it’s way. Hopefully, if the temperature rises some after all the snow has blanketed our yard, Aiden will get a ride on his inflatable sled. He loved that sled last winter. Kevin and Lew both went shopping and stocked us up tonight. Lew just chopped more wood and is covering it with a tarp. He’s going to stock the fireplace tonight. Valentines day will be romantic with all the cold snow outside and my boys inside all toasty and warm by the fire with me.

It is day 13 of this respiratory infection. My doctor works convenient hours. Convenient for him. Lew has to take off work if I need to go to my doctor, unless I get sick in warm weather when getting Aiden dressed and into the car to accompany me is not as difficult. Thirty-two pounds of non-walking child is not easy on me. Last week I had a chest x-ray. The imaging center has convenient hours for everyone. No pneumonia. My doctor held firmly to his guard on overused anti-biotics. NONE for YOU! Ahhhh, little girl has a cold… poor baby… TOUGH IT OUT! Now my throat and ears are under attack. It is so painful to swallow or even move my neck. I’ve been sparingly using my Tylenol with Codeine #3 in the evenings when it’s really bad. It takes the edge off and helps me sleep. I used a lot of it in the beginning of this thing when my lungs felt like they were being stepped on and squeezed as I labored for every inhale and exhale… when each breath traveled, fighting and forcing through collapsing sticky channels between my throat and lungs… when continuous coughing was pulling every muscle. The last of the codeine was used last night. This morning I called the doctor’s office and asked for a new prescription. A few moments ago the doctor called me and told me I should not need codeine for a sore throat. Well, maybe I wouldn’t need anything now if we didn’t let this thing run rampant through my system. As it is, I’m tired of toughing everything out. Fuck! I hardly ever use drugs! I’m not a fucking drug-seeking abuser! I’ve got a mother fucker of a hideous disease that’s fucking me all over the fucking place inside and out! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Doesn’t this doctor know what a mother fucker a respiratory infection can be for someone with Bulbar ALS???! Haven’t I toughed out fucking enough?!! Finally, I just said I’m out of luck and was going to end the call when he said I’ll call in your prescription. I hope he doesn’t lose too much sleep over breaking his hard rules and giving pain meds to someone with very compromised health who’s been toughing it out in pain and exhaustion for 13 days.

-kara